Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
