U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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