Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize