the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
