I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
