On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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