I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
third nipple confirmed
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
