My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
