Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
