4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
