Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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