last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
