Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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