If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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