Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
sarcasm needs its own font
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
