i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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