i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
