I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
