Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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