my sisters under your porch take her home
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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