i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
