"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
