Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize