oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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