Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
