I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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