I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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