Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
