i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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