I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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