Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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