and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Your dad touched me again.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
