the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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