Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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