There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The best revenge is premature balding
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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