Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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