I wish I could teleport
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
