go do what you do best...puke behind churches
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
