Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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