I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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