Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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