I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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