She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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