I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
