i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
