dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
