oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
