He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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