i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So many bounce houses so little time
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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