Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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