this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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