youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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