I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
