Your dad touched me again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
