I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
