i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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