She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
