At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
