Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
