why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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