WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
