just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If I die, sorry about rent.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
