I want to walk on stilts...naked
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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