I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
